Ford Mustang 40th Anniversary

Your guess is probably as good as ours, but if this unusually early report from the 2044 North American Auto Show is to be believed, it could be worth the wait. For long-time fans of the Ford Motor Company, it was a poignant moment: After being gingerly lifted on stage, 86-year-old Bill Ford, chairman emeritus of the legendary automaker, slowly pulled away a white sheet emblazoned with the familiar logo of the galloping horse. As the elderly Ford tugged, caught his breath, and tugged some more, there appeared what we were all waiting for: the glistening 2044 Mustang. An "ooh" went up from the thousand or so journalists on hand in unison with the flashing teleprompter.

Overhead, a large hologram blinked to life to explain what makes this latest Mustang tick. Although still based on the lackluster DNA of the old 2038 Falcon hydrogen-fuel-cell car, the new Mustang will offer plenty to interest the enthusiast. For starters, its exterior and interior are now microscopically identical to the very first 1964 example off the line, right down to the coordinates of that car's orange-peel paint dimples, marking a new standard in the ultra-retro-realism that's so popular today.

Yet underhood, the new Mustang will have what it takes--yep, eight meaty vibration oscillators to give that delicious quake of dynamic imbalance. Not enough? Steve Saleen, whose hologram suddenly stepped into the presentation (spooking Mr. Ford, who's not accustomed to today's irritating holographic spams), promised aftermarket oscillators with twice the shaking mass. No less tantalizing are the 2000psi vertical jacks located in the Mustang's hindquarters that release an unpredictable jolt as you pass over road irregularities--what's a Mustang without a live rear axle? For those who prefer the refinement of independent suspension, the jack software can be uninstalled for a small additional charge.

Naturally, the Mustang will deliver the goods in the acceleration department. Just stir the meaty shifter into any slot (nobody remembers how these things work anyway), tramp your right foot on the acceleration potentiometer, and pop the "clutch" (note to research librarian: please determine what this pedal once did.--Ed). Instantly, the cabin is filled with the artificial odor of burning rubber, together with recorded tire squeals and engine roar, courtesy of the 2032 National Car Noise Preservation Act and the Library of Congress Presented by Bose. Simultaneously, the plasma windshield display digitally zooms your view into middle distance as suction cups in the seat back vacuum your torso rearward. What a ride! Additionally, a little birdie from the Blue Oval has confirmed that the bugs have been worked out of the long-rumored Ford/Mayo Clinic technology that can compress your brain against the back of your skull during acceleration. And here we thought this was only journalistic exaggeration. The price? After you factor in all the rebates, you'll pocket upward of $3000 on the purchase of a 2044 Mustang (Ford nevertheless expects a handsome return from its in-dash Starbucks and Krispy Kreme dispenser franchises).