2008 Mini Cooper S Clubman

I'm a hopped-up Hobbit, running for my life through the Shire, Ring in hand trying to escape the wicked gaze of Sauron's eye -- oh precious, my precious.

No, wait. I'm an Ewok on E, skimming through forests of Endor at improbable speeds, evading Imperial Stormtroopers on my stolen speeder bike, carrying secrets to Princess Leia that will help destroy the Empire.

Okay, so I'm not a furry woodland creature running from the evil clutches of doom, but these thoughts do run through my head as I tear up a 15-mile strip of tree-lined and rutted asphalt called Nacimiento Road, in an all new 2009 Mini Cooper S Clubman.

Yes I said Clubman, which is odder than you think because I've resisted our long-term Mini like it was the darkside. There's something about this extended-wheelbase Mini that makes it special. It could just be the adrenaline rush of these dangerous conditions -- put a wheel off out here and there's no coming back, Luke. No, I think there's something more.

Nacimiento's turns are nasty tight -- like a rally remix between Acropolis' crap surface, Monte Carlo's switchbacks, and Maine Forest's LOOK OUT FOR THAT TREE landscape. I've no co-driver though -- which is good. Had I been assigned one, he would've either choked on his own carsickness or bludgeoned me to death with the route book.

This rock-strewn shelf they call a road supposedly takes two-way traffic, even though it's just over one car-width wide, with no center line and a ton of sharp, blind corners. Good thing the Clubman is only longer -- 9.4 inches, to be exact -- and not wider than the standard Mini Cooper because I'm hugging the outside of the road, determined not to cross over to the other side in either the literal and metaphysical sense.

Laugh if you want, but I'm also raving about the six-speed automatic transmission. I didn't ask for it, but turns out it's probably the only thing keeping me shiny side up, rubber side down. My eyes never have to leave the road, hands never have to leave the wheel -- I just toggle the paddles up and down between second and third and peer out around the A-pillars as far through the next corner as I can see.

The automatic transmission is good, but not without flaw. On some of the steeper uphill switchbacks, there's delay before it kicks down to first. The wheelspin I can deal with, but I can't stand the drop in momentum -- the Empire must be defeated; Middle Earth must be saved.